From An Awakened Eye

Friday, October 28, 2011

A lot can happen in a month....October version

  Wow! a lot can happen in just 31 days!  Some expected things and some not so expected things.   Let me just start off with saying I have an incredible mother who BEAT the heck out of some breast cancer and all in the pink month of October!  She is free of cancer and looking forward to staying that way. Chances are VERY low of her ever having to fight this fight again. PRAISE GOD!  She is recovering nicely and gaining her strength back every day.
Eli is crawling  EVERY WHERE!  We have baby proofed the house. We have removed all house plants in reach for little hands to find and grab a sample of. The outlets are covered and every cord removed from one little boy's sight. That seemed to be what he was attracted to the most and that scarred the you know what out of me. I walked into my MIL's house and almost had a duck... I had to remind myself she had everything under control. It's just amazing how your mind is so programed to scan the room for hazards.
The new job is amazing. I started there this month. I love it!  I love the people and my incredible part time schedule.  I am now the nurse that calls you back from your pediatricians office after hours and answers all of your freak out questions.  I love it!  We return calls from all over and from all types of offices. I have at least one call of someone in labor and one baby with a fever or rash from shots or breastfeeding questions. It's pretty cool to be the one on the other line calming them down and giving them the reassurance and answers they need to make it until morning. Moving on...
The house has a foundation!  They start on the framing on Monday. We are super excited and ready to see some progress. There was a setback with the foundation as they didn't extend the ENTIRE left wall by 2 feet. Let's just say I didn't freak, but I made it clear that it MUST be fixed or nothing was moving forward. I laugh at myself because I sure did freak inside... no big deal... footers dug, walls knocked down, more walls back up two feet from the last one and DONE... no big deal. To me it was a big deal. This meant that my babies rooms would be 2 feet smaller and there would be no way a 1/2 bath could fit at the end of the hallway!  I freaked. This must happen! And it did! lol  Nothing to freak over, deep breath, taken care of.
I did say babies. After seeing 2 pink lines on 2 dollar store test in the middle of the day... It was a big deal if the wall was moved 2 more feet over.  I had to prepare for our second child and my babies need room or else we could have just stayed at our old house.  Yes, this was the hormones talking.  I just couldn't figure out why I would raise my voice a bit at J over nothing to really get excited about. I was just a little more punchy, if that is even a word. Then it dawned on me to take a test and oh yes, two super pink lines.
This was unexpected, but made my heart soar with excitement!  We did it all by ourselves. God has healed my body and I am actually pregnant. Of course my mind was racing of when I would be due and how far apart Eli would be from this baby. It is amazing how you become a mommy the moment you have the positive test that tells you that you are pregnant. J was shocked. I've been irregular since nursing Eli so I had no clue how far along I was. My blood levels were awesomely high and we were super excited for our ultrasound and to see that flickering heart beat and hear the million dollar answer to when is the due date.  Our hearts were full and eager to know.  We had no idea that this little one had stopped growing at 6 weeks and we would never know their name or meet their precious face. We don't know if there ever was a heart beat. All we know is there was a precious being inside me that received it's wings far too early.
I don't understand why God would give us life and then take it away. I would have been completely fine with not being pregnant right now. I have no insight on why we had to go through this. It hurts and crushes me to the core. With all that is going on in our lives right now I'm not sure why this had to end this way for us. We had dreams for this little one. We were excited to find out if it was a boy or girl. We had talked and dreamed of so many things for this little one to join our family. Fact is it hurts.
I had to experienced pain through infertility, was it really necessary for me to experience this type of pain too?  I guess it was.   I never asked to go through this and I actually asked to be protected from it, I just wasn't sure I could handle it.  Did my prayers just fall back down to me? I'm just not sure. I know we go through things for a reason, but I had a good enough testimony as it was.  I didn't need anything in this department added to it. At least that's what I thought. Obviously He felt different.
 It's hard to know the life inside you isn't compatible with life. It's hard to know what is happening with your body during the process. It is hard to experience this type of death. Death is never easy, at 6 weeks or 90 years, it is plain hard. This sinful world is just hard to live in period.
None of it make since. I'm just living day by day. It's not getting easier, just more bearable. I know I will always think of this child. We have family pictures together. We have the dreams of what would have been.  Now I understand the lasting impression this has on a mother. Thank you God that I didn't have to see a formal burial. Thank heavens it was private and no music had to be sung. I truly hate funerals.  I know the answers will be few and the reasons may never be found. Right now I'm just grieving the loss of a child I never knew. It's a process. I will overcome. I will see a more firm foundation in my faith. Today just seems so foggy. I just hold onto the promise... I can only hold onto what I know is true...

Psalm 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, 

(protection and grace)
   they comfort me.

 5 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

So thankful that I have Eli to fill my day with his laughter and soak in every precious moment of him. God is faithful. I know He is.



  1. Sweetest Jenny,

    I'm in heart is SO HEAVY for you. I have lived this experience and there is not a day that goes by that I don't look at Lleyton and think of our Christian. I will always think of myself as having 2 babies. I dreamed for Christian just as I dream for Lleyton. One doesn't know why we have to travel this broken road, but I can tell you that I'm forever changed because of it. We will reunite with our babies in HEAVEN and that thought has gotten me through many dark days. You and your family will be in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do...or if you need to talk, I'm here.

    Go lightly on yourself....sending you hugs and love,

  2. Love you girl. Praying for your heart and healing.