From An Awakened Eye

My IF Journey

 It has been 18 months on this journey. I never thought it would take this long, but it has. My prayer is that I am handling it with grace. With out hope in the promises found in the Bible I don't know where I would be right now. I have never felt aching in my heart for something I have longed for so badly. I know that neither faith, nor works, nor repentance will bargan with God for my desire. Trust me these thoughts have gone through my mind in the midst of a million other fleeting thoughts. One thing I do know is He has placed this desire in me and fuled the flame over the past 24 months.  I have "been ready" for the past 36 months, but it took Jonathan, or J as I refer to him,  a little while longer. I think it has been 12 months since he began dreaming of pitter-patter footsteps on the hardwood floors of our home.
  It wasn't until 12 months of thinking "well when it's God's will and His right timing,  it will happen." and monthly asking myself... "is it this month God?" that it hit me!  Is there something wrong?  Then the burning sleepless questions arose. Is it faithless to go seek medical attention?  After many questions floating around with each passing week, I called.  The appoint ment went well. J was with me and she, my GYN, gave us a game plan.  She was hopeful, even after a normal ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries and a normal semen count with J.  The next step was clomid. The dreadful drug of hot flashes and all sorts of dreadful side effects. I was speachless when the word was released from her mouth. "I am just not ready for that", where the thoughts going through my mind. She gave me the option of a referral to a fertility clinic and I accepted. There is peace in knowledge and that is what I am seeking after.
Deep down I feel that everything is ok with both J and me.  God "woke me up" Feb 2009 to prepare me for what He told me would strengthen our marriage and give us a greater testimony. In escence I knew that it would be a trial of some kind. My mind went to his job, then to my family, then back to his family. I tried to cover everything in prayer.  We fasted together as a couple. Agreed together in Jesus name as a couple, and 16 months later I am so greatful for that wake-up call.
  What if I had slept through it all?  I know the "deer in headlights" statement would be and "under one". During the past 18 months I have had an "eye opening experience". I discern more things in my spirit. I see things more from a spiritual perspective, which is an answer to the prayer of wisdom, knowledge, discernment.  I am disclosing all of this not to boast, but to show you that my steps are ordered, and so are yours if you are seeking Him with all of your heart.
04.02.2010 update:
Along this journey God has lead me to some incredible resources that I would like to share with you.  Acupuncture was a saving grace. It kept me sain and prepared my body for the most optimum environment for a baby and not to mention how incredibly well I slept and the rest of my body felt.   As a nurse programed with Western Medicine I am very open to learing new ways of naturally aligning my body for the conception of our "Promise". My pastor has prayed that our bodies lign up and that is exactly what I feel is happening. It is incredible the avenues that have been open during this journey through fertility.  I can't wait to right in my pregnancy journal about all the sacrifices and steps we took to conceive our "Promise".
 The latest update as of 5.28.10:
The  appointment with Dr. Teaff went well today.  The number 3 has been whispered in my spirit for months now, before I knew how prevelant the #3 was in the infertility cyle world that is. I keep holding on to it because I do not feel God has revealed the fullness of it yet. So there were a few numbers thrown at us today. One being that the sperm had 72 mil/part and great morphology. The other being that with my erratic ovulation pattern we were looking at a 3% chance every month of conceiving. Where as the typical couple has 22% chance each month. I thought that was kind of low, but when you think of how God created our bodies to sync perfectly to conceive (ie select sperm making it to the egg, hormone sync during ovulation, etc.) then the small # doesn't look so odd in the grand scheme of things. Basically Dr. Teaff believes that my body is definitely ovulating, but not at the right time, per labs and not registering on home ov. test. The awesome news is she can help us get that number up to 38% per month by regulating my hormones and taking the guess work out for the sperm.  She isn't convinced that these handsome sperm aren't getting lost or dying off inside me. {Shrug} So the options she gave us are promising and with a u/s to confirm we start IUI treatments TOMORROW! 5/29/10  She would like us to try 3 rounds of IUI and see what happens. J & I both agreed before we went to the appointment that if she wanted us to start IUI that we were ready. Planned sex just sucks right now!  And if our chances are that low I have a fear it would take years (which she confirmed it would) and sex for us would ultimately become non-existent. NOT good... so Clomid pill #1 went down the hatch today (5/29/10) So we will see...
  So stay close by because our "Promise" isn't far away from becoming "Life" hear on Earth...
Praise God I was right...
  June 25th 2010 update...
we saw our first 2 lines on a pregnancy test! You can read about that on this post. God is faithful and He does hear your prayers, even though it feels as if he is miles away. I am praising Him for this life he has created inside me. It was a long hard journey and it has not ended, just a new chapter has begun and this one finally has a due date!
 Update as of 2.25.11...
He's here! Our Promise is here in my arms and we are in love! 8lbs. 21 inches long and perfect. I can't hold back the tears when I look at him. It all feels like a dream come true.

 Update as of 12.25.12  We are expecting miracle baby #2. After a miscarriage Oct 2011 and 3 months of fertility treatments, we felt as if we needed a break. While on "break" God spoke life into my womb. We are due August 2013. I am beyond blessed.

Mean while I have fallen into a basket of books and resources that I would love to share with you. So enjoy for your own fertility journey or share with someone you know is walking through this journey, or if you want to become more aware of the journey yourself I encourage you to do so.

I am honored that you have met me and I would love to know that you stopped by. Please leave a comment to let me know u stopped by.

In His Grip,


These are a few of the resources that have helped me through. If you or anyone you love is going through infertility, please, please share the Stepping Stones site with them. They will greatly thank you.

Check out Jennifer Saake's site here and also follow her blog

This book is full of scriptures and prayers that have helped me tremendously through this journey. I have a pocket size version that I keep in my purse at all times. You can order it online or B.A.M.. I recetly found them at a consignment sale! {shrug} 

This book is a wealth of medical information from a MD  perspective paralleled with Sandra's story of infertility.
Stepping Stones has been an incredible resource for Christian material. Visit their website for newsletters and book resources.