From An Awakened Eye

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Confused VS. Lost

The latest TTC update as of 5.28.10:
The  appointment with Dr. Teaff went well today.  The number 3 has been whispered in my spirit for months now, before I knew how prevelant the #3 was in the infertility cyle world that is. I keep holding on to it because I do not feel God has revealed the fullness of it yet. So there were a few numbers thrown at us today. One being that the sperm had 72 mil/part and great morphology. The other being that with my erratic ovulation pattern we were looking at a 3% chance every month of conceiving. Where as the typical couple has 22% chance each month. I thought that was kind of low, but when you think of how God created our bodies to sync perfectly to conceive (ie select sperm making it to the egg, hormone sync during ovulation, etc.) then the small # doesn't look so odd in the grand scheme of things. Basically Dr. Teaff believes that my body is definitely ovulating, but not at the right time, per labs and not registering on home ov. test. The awesome news is she can help us get that number up to 38% per month by regulating my hormones, ovulation and taking the guess work out for the sperm.  She isn't convinced that these handsome sperm aren't getting lost or dying off inside me. {Shrug} So the options she gave us are promising and with a u/s to confirm we start IUI treatments TOMORROW! 5/29/10  She would like us to try 3 rounds of IUI and see what happens. J & I both agreed before we went to the appointment that if she wanted us to start IUI that we were ready. Planned sex just sucks right now!  And if our chances are that low I have a fear it would take years (which she confirmed it would) and sex for us would ultimately become non-existent. NOT good... so Clomid pill #1 went down the hatch today (5/29/10) So we will see...

Abundance is... rain after sowing seeds/ flowers, Faithful Friday, game plan to Promise, Hope that we are in His hands, friends to love on by helping them paint in their new home.

TTC: Trying To Conceive
Confused vs. Lost: I just thought it was cute because the show finale of "Lost" was on this past week and well the sperm are being questioned if they are getting confused or lost. {shrug}

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day Dreaming

Today has been a very busy day at work and I just can't keep my focus. It is so beautiful outside and I just want to go lay out by the pool and read a book!  {but} I am stuck here scheduling procedures and answering phone calls. Thank God J was off today. He helped me chill for lunch by bringing me my favorite... Chick fil a sweet tea! And of course the chicken sand and waffle fries.  He is so good to me.  I just looked at him and said well, 17 disappointments and let downs. He just smiled and said, "not this month either huh?". I just sat there in a peace and looked at him then said, "I will just be so glad when we are finally pregnant." He kinda chuckled and said "well I won't" and chuckled because he says that I will be the grumpiest pregnant women there is. I asked him if he thought I would be a "bridezilla"? and he said that he didn't think about it. I know I did... I was afraid of how I would react to that kind of pressure, but it was just the opposite of what I thought. I was the most calm and loving person that day. I just enjoyed the moment I had waited 7 years to experience. I told him that I thought a pregnancy would be the same way for me. Now I know there are incredible hormones involved, but I will be so grateful to be puking over a toilet, leg cramps and back aches that it may be different than we think. 
 As we finished the conversation I pointed across the parking lot and said "see what I see every day?" He said "what?" And as we waited he saw 2 teenage girls get out of a car one already had a 2 year old and several months along and the other girl was about to pop. He just sat there and looked at me like, "baby it will happen."  I told him that normally it discourages me, but not today! I choose to hold my chin up knowing God has a perfect plan and it is just going to take a little longer to get there than I wished or even prayed a thousand times over.
  I just have a hopeful spirit today although I know this isn't the "month". I'm OK with that. Partly because I don't think we could squeeze another Feb. birthday into the family calendar! lol.  So we will see if March will be the magical month.  Yeah I think like this every month. I can calculate it up faster than you can blink.
 So with my chin up and hopeful I bought this cute dress...
yes, that is a baby bump dress.
It was on serious sale at Old Navy and it had rave reviews for before during and after pregnancy. So I can enjoy it now and then!  We shall see... hoping for a good MD appt on Friday with a positive game plan.

Abundance is... lunch with my hubby, spending time with church family tonight, clean sheets on a comfy bed.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Blessings of good friends...

  Today I am counting my blessings of good friends.  I am thinking of the {many} emails and text that I get randomly through out the month from them. Telling me they are thinking of me and most of all sending up prayers.  I am truly blessed with a great {circle} of friends. 
  Today I get to be the {blessing} of a good friend. My heart is so happy for her.  Today at 7:30 pm, I will be giving her the HCG trigger injection!  I have been in serious prayer over this since she called in a frantic last night praying I was free to step in and give her the injection.  "Of course!"  I shouted.  This dear friend will be one of the best mother's in the world and I cannot wait to see how God blesses her and her husband with a house full of babies!  Be in prayer for J & T as they walk in their first journey with IUI tomorrow!

Random email today ...
 I liked reading the comments and understand completely the feelings and importance of having supportive friends around during this type of journey.  I have been in the boat and felt like the "hot potato" and I have had the wonderful pleasure of "playing mommy" too! Interesting how friends react to "your crisis".

Expert Answers

Serena Chen, fertility expert
Comment taken from the site...with a little color coding ;)
Member Comments

I miscarried in Jan of '08. I was 14 weeks along with my first child. My husband's sister-in-law was also pregnant with her second child (she was only 2 weeks ahead of me). She was SO supportive of me when I miscarried, called me the morning of my DNE, was totally ok with me skipping her baby shower (we were supposed to have a baby shower together) that the morning of her due date I had no problems staying at the hospital and keeping her company while she labored. I was truly happy for her. Her love and support made it not painful for me to be around her and her children. In contrast, my husband's sister has an 8 month old, when I was pregnant, she would call often, see how I was doing, share news with me, invite me over for lunch. The minute I miscarried she dropped me like a hot potato. Lost complete interest in me which made me feel further alienated. Maybe she didn't know how to act around me, but she made me feel worse. She makes it painful to be around her!

posted 7/01/2008 by anitajoon

I can totally relate to these posts! We were about 8 weeks along when I had horrible cramps and thought it was just my uterus stretching and preparing to grow. Several hourse later the cramps became so intense I was in tears and asked my husband to rush me to the hospital because I knew something was wrong. Turned out that my baby had implanted in my left fallopian tube. We were devistated. (had the whole tube removed 08/29/09) We were expecting on April 22ish and found out that my husband's cousin is now expecting a baby on that same date! This has been very hard to get through showers and parties when all I want to do is cry! Those who haven't had a miscarriage have NO idea how hard it is to lose something so precious!

posted 1/17/2010 by Katie Rainero

I miscarried in July of '08. I just found out there was a chance. I took the home test and it came back unclear. So I went to the doctor and got checked out. She said it looked like I might have been. And not three days later I started bleeding. I was in so much pain. Called the doctor and she confirmed it. I was so torn. I couldn't go to the father because he said it was my own fault. My best friend was more than 5 months. She was there for my through it all. She knew I was trying. And for some reason it was like she was going through it with me. A good friend will stick with you no matter what. Still to this day it hurts to think about it. My friend now has her beautiful baby boy and every time I feel down I go to see her and her son. She knows when I'm upset and some times she'll let me play mom lol. Without my friend I wouldn't have made it through it. I've been trying since then with no luck. But the point is your friends will be there for you if their good friends.
Abundance is... good friends & family standing beside you through hard times!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Favorite Books

{Show us your life} is posting favorite books this week and I wanted to share a few of my own.

Recent loves...
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith {FREE ebook right now!!!}
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake
SLI by Beth Moore
The Shack by William P Young

Childhood favorites...

Fraggle Rock!!!

This was one of my favorites along with this one...

I remember sitting in my canopy bed with pink gingham draped over and down the sides and reading these books.  I had shelves full of books!  Truly blessed!

What are your favorite books?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sing, sing, sing

We will sing sing sing
And make music with the heavens
We will sing sing sing
Grateful that you hear us when we
Shout your praise
Lift high the name of Jesus

Sing sing sing
And make music with the heavens
We will sing sing sing
Grateful that You hear us when we
Shout Your praise
Lift high the name of Jesus

What's not to love about You
Heaven and earth adore You
Kings and kingdoms bow down
Son of God You are the One
You are the One
We're livin' for

You are the love that frees us
You are the light that leads us
Like a fire burnin
Son of God You are the One
You are the One We're livin' for

We will sing sing sing
And make music with the heavens
We will sing sing sing
Grateful that You hear us when we
Shout Your praise
Lift high the name of Jesus

And that pretty much sums it up... how I feel that is. The Lord droped Is. 54:1-2 on my heart this week and I have instantaneously burst into song several times this week. I don't mean with whatever is playing on the radio (yucky lite 102.9 right now, not by choice) I am talking about what is playing on my heart. The above lyrics has been one of them. Another one is "Our God" by Chris Tomlin.  I just can't stop myself. They are both on my playlist here, but I don't have sound on my PC where I am.
I don't have my scripture pad with me or my phone, so I had to google Is. 54 and found this devotional.  I don't know anything about the author other than what I read on the post, but it is scripturally sound so I feel comfortable sharing with you.

In the post it talks about being spiritual parents to baby Christians around us and not being affraid of being one.  Being a parent is of course scary. The fear of failure is the first thing that must hit a person and that is a false insecurity, but a real one. The same with mentoring other Christians in their baby faith.  I loved the way the author put the titles through the post.

Update about us:
The HSG went great yesterday. I was worried about taking the Valuim and what it would do to me. I am pretty much an Aleve girl and that is as potent as it gets for me. But all was well and I am glad I had it to take before to chill me out. I wasn't worried about the procedure as much as I was about the drug and pain everyone warned me about.  I was able to relax and the procedure was over in five min. with little pressure.  Dr. Teaf's words were, "I see super highways and it all looks good."  I could see the uterine tubes light up on the screen with the dye and the uterus that was so small, but she liked the shape. So that was awesome! It is so crazy that God created that one small part in me to one day hold my babies and that is where they will grow.  I was happy with the results and she discussed my lab work and said that her best guess was that I am "ovulating all over the place". She wants to see me for my next appt, which is May 28th and wants to make sure that J and I are on the same page and ready to roll with IUI next month.  I talked about it with him last night and we are a {go}! So she will get us lined up to start next cycle.
Burden Bearers
 Please pray for my cycle to come on time, unless we are pregnant, and for God to protect our finances. I know this is a big factor for J as he is the man of the house and provider for our family 2nd to Almighty. Of course continue to pray that God prepare our bodies for conception in His perfect time. Perfect sperm/egg introduction for their first date and happy snuggling in my uterus. 

Above all God is in control and holds the power to speak life into my womb when 
He sees it as the perfect time.  

"Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.

Isaiah 54:1-2

Don't miss a free ebook!!!!

Free ebook I will Carry You by Angie Smith.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I've got a feelin', tonights gonna be a good good night!

 No particular reason. I just feel invigorated! Like I could walk for miles, well maybe after lunch, I did skip breakfast. ;) Last night was such a fun night! I spent it with 3 of my wonderful friends.  I had a photo shoot of one of them and her sister. We did some fun shots for their mom for Mother's Day.

This one was my favorite!   Visit my site to see more

We spent the rest of the night having dinner at Panera. It was fun to just be with the girls and talk about matters of the heart.  We each shared our hearts desire.   The question we each wanted to know was...
If you could do something for God,
 the one thing He has placed a burning desire in you to do,
what would it be? 

I loved hearing the responses, they were all so different and so inspiring!
It gave me chills to hear the potential that was sitting in the 4 women at the table.
One wanted to be a counselor to women, the other wanted to make women laugh with her since of humor and insight on the insecurities women face. One mommy of two toddlers wants to be an intercessor for other women.  The other wants to lead women to join together and empower them to pour into one another.
Amazing!  The theme was healing in the hearts of women!

So it's your turn...
answer the question above in the comments box below
and lets see the potential plans that God has placed in us.

Look forward to hearing your responses. Get over your insecurity of failure or not feeling like you can accomplish your dream. That is a silly lie. God will make your weakness strong. Look at Aaron in the Bible, he stuttered and God didn't hold that against him to develop a leader for nations.
So go for it! Put your dreams into words!

Who looks outside, dreams;
Who looks inside, awakes.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Stumbling Blocks to Stepping Stones

Well you just never know how the day will unfold. For example, yesterday I was in the grocery store minding my own business when on the front cover of Ebony is a beautiful baby bump. I know what your thinking...I do all that is with in me to pass by them and not even look at the sinful covers, but my eyes fell to that one yesterday. So I take a deep breath and think to myself, that is a great portrait pose, never thought of having the mom hold a boquet of flowers over her tummy. I have tried the wrapping the mom in flowy material and that turns out ok.
  Let me go one step further to tell you I am not looking for these things they just jump out at me and grab hold of my heart strings and rip them.  I am not looking for a pitty party either. I am quite frankly SICK of them. So I try to focus my mind on the outward and anything but myself. I contiuned home unloaded the groceries started dinner and sat down for a little tv and ended up watching Jepordy. Wouldn't you know the answer to one of the questions was {barren}? I just shook my head. Really Lord? Ok so maybe I should have turned to your Word instead of the tv. I get it!  I let these things roll off my back until things like this happen and it becomes harder to shake.
  I am sure some of you know {exactly} what I mean here...
The morning started great. Busy morning at work with lots to do and accomplish. I am minding my own business in my corner of the office and literally it is a corner. When a co-worker brings me her cell phone with a picture of her new nephew. Before I could get to look at it everyone else is taking a peak voicing  "Awe he is cute!"  I was happy for her and her sister. Knowing the story my heart breaks for the child who I see took his first breath yesterday and will probably never have a stable father in his life. I just continue to ooh and ahh my self. Just as another co-worker walkins in talking about how hearing her grandbaby's heart beat is so sureal knowing that her baby is having a baby...blah blah at this point I went numb. I felt trapped in my corner. I had to get out. So I exited the situation and headed out the back door. I don't know why but I felt like I had to wash my hands. So I did. It wasn't so much a tearful exit as I was guarded for fear of  my heart ripping once more. I did not want to hear any of the words out of there mouths that would later echo in my mind to remind me of what I have not yet experienced, but desperately long for every day.  I feel that my mind grabs on to things like that and then the enemy uses it to tear me down. In the proactive state that I found myself in I escaped.
  Sometimes these situations are not as easily escapable as today.  The one co-worker later called me to appologize for the situation and she realized what she had contributed to in hurting me and she said that she too wanted to guard me. The sincerity from her was welcomed. That is the third time someone has realized that they made themself a stumbling block and appologized. It is almost hard to take the appology sometimes. Does that make since. I have built the wall so thick that when someone tries to look through the window it is hard to accept that they are looking in with concern. Most look in and just walk on by without a word or concern that their sister is experiencing an unspeakable pain that penitrates very deep to the core of her.
  The other two times was when I met a new friend for the first time and we were meeting due to the similarities in our walk with infertility and she felt she owed it to me to be honest and let me in on the fact she had found out 3 days before that the clomid worked and she was now pregnant. Ok so not as tough to swallow. The second time was when a friend realized she was talking about her pregnancy a little to much while spending her weekend with me and then gave me the sweetest card and sincere verbal appology. It was almost like these 3 ladies were helping me turn there stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
  Steppping stones we can cross. With caution of course, but we can walk over them. Stumbling blocks on the other hand cause us to fall. Frankly I have way to many bruises to fall again.
  It amazes me how self-centered people can be in their own situations. Even those who say they love you. Trust me I have questioned my own motives and actions for selfishness.  I have prayed many hours over this. I do realize we do not understand each others walk to the fullest. My efforts are to put into perspective everything that person may be going through and see things through their thoughts and eyes. I am sure this doesn't measure up to the true perspective, but I give it a shot. While removing myself from the situation and looking at  it from the inside out instead of the outside in. You know as if I was the one on the other side of the window. 
Self-less-ness. It isn't something our culture teaches us so it isn't easy and truly takes the a huge effort.
  I practice this everyday with the patients I take care of who have gone through open heart surgeries and are now no longer at free will to do as they please. I see the independence stollen from them and it is saddening.  I say all of this to hopefully help your eyes to be opened to the situations you walk into and blindly throw a stone instead of  helping the person lay the stones down to walk over their river. Trust me the last thing they need is their independence taken away because you threw a heavy stone on them.
  You have heard the phrase "One step at a time"? That is how I see it. When we are walking through trials we have to take it one step at a time. He is the lamp unto our feet and light unto our path. Not the "beam shining brightly ahead of us".  I sometimes fear the path being to long for me to handle don't you? Although I scream and kick asking Him to show me what's at the end of the long dark tunnel. I plead to know if there is a dead end or is there light? He of course tells me to "just trust" Him. With a sigh I realized that is the only hopefull choice I have and put on my high heels and maturity make up to take a step forward. He knows if I knew what was at the end of the tunnel that I wouldn't fully trust Him to get there. I would run over the stepping stones and probably stumble getting there and that would hurt His heart. Just as a father wants to see his young cross the river safely, so does our hevenly Father.
  Maybe this has opened your eyes to the stubling blocks you have thrown. Asking God to forgive you is the easy part, because that was taken care of on Calvary. Asking the person you threw it on takes a swallowing of pride and admittance you were in the wrong and the bravery to approach the person with the appology.  You honestly owe it to yourself to follow through with those actions. It is uplifting and freeing to know you have helped move the stone off the person you threw it on and give them the tube to the "Balm of Gilead" so that they may place it on the wound caused by the stone. The healing process is sweet and is more obtainable with people there to nurse you back to health. To tell you they are there praying and holding you up from the wounds experienced in the battle gives them hope.
  In the end, you help yourself by helping them. So let go of yourself in the situation and treat your "brother as yourself" get the stone off of them and empower them to have the strength to even lift their hand to begin coating the healing balm over the wound. Believe me they need your help. They need to hear your prayers. The healing process takes time, but with loved ones around us we accelerate the process. Kind of like a neonate in the isolete. He needs to feel the touch of another human to begin healing and growning properly. Same with all of us. Makes since right?
  So ask God to show you if you have been a stumbling block to someone recently. He will gently show you and guide you on how to help the person you have hurt begin to heal. Start with a hand written card or email. Make sure to be consious of the "I's" and "me's" that you put in it. I promise it will make you think about what you write from now on. I know I have.

I encourage you to visit this site to learn more on the balm of Gilead. It is eye opening!

 Genesis 50:20
 (New International Version)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.



Abundance is... resources like acupunture to relax and prepare my body, long bubble baths, Beth Moore's SLI prayer, releasing the insecurity and fear of {never being a mom}. I {WILL} one day experience baby kicks in my tummy, ultrasounds with heart beats, anticipation of the unknown through labor, first cry, first Mother's Day, first smiles, first birthdays, first sleepover, first hair cut, first tooth, being the tooth fairy, first boo boo to kiss and make better, little arms wrapped around me saying, "I wove oo mommy", a little life to teach the world to. A baby book to record and scrapbook all of the precious memories of {life}. To show him/her how BIG our God's love is and how precious his/her life is because of God's timing of him/her on Earth!  {Hope}, that this deepest desire will come to true!

Monday, May 3, 2010

This time last year...

We were on a cruise with friends! I love this picture and the many great memories we had from this trip. I have them printed in a metalic finish and they are displayed all over our house. Speaking of our home... home sweet home! I was so happy to be back in our bed last night. We had a great time in Gulf Shores, AL. I will post later today the details of the trip. Just came across this picture and realized what I was doing this time last year. If all goes well we are planning on a trip to Aruba for our 5 year anniversary. Aruba is our favorite place in the whole world! We have done a lot of traveling, but it hits the top of the list at #1 for sure! We are last minute planners with "life" being as unpredictable as it is right now, so finger crossed in November! Aruba here we come!