Against all Hope

Deep breath... well AF visited today. I guess it is a blessing in disguise. It has been a hard 2 weeks. We made the deal that J was to go buy the PG test and he was to read it. At least we get to save our $ this month. :(   It makes my heart rate increase every time I walk by the PG test in the store so I refuse to NEVER buy another one in my lifetime.

So on to the next month of wishing my life away. Hopefully it will be a better one. So for now this is how God is speaking to me today and I will desperately hold onto this today.

Romans 4:18 - 22 NIV

18.Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations.

19. Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead -

and Sarah's womb was also dead.

20. Yet HE DID NOT WAVER through unbelief regarding the promise of God,

but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,

21. being FULLY PERSUADED that God had power to do what He promised,

22. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness"

Things I hate about myself right now:

I hate that it is hard for me to hear about strangers having u/s to find out the sex of their baby.

I hate that it is hard for me to see a young teanager in the grocerystore with her bluejeans unzipped, shirt screaming "I'm too small for this" and a baby bump ready to pop open to the floor.

I hate that it is hard for me to see baby bumps PERIOD!

I hate it. It is so envious!

I have done everything to change my way of thinking and I have been successful with my coaching,

but my heart has not been convienced.

It still beats a little harder when I find out

another friend is pregnant,

now showing a baby bump,

or shopping for maternity clothes.

I did come to the conclusion that I am not envious of toddlers and older children.

I love them! They are so funny and get my mind off everything for a few seconds.

They bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart.

It's the bump that reminds me of what I do not have

and so desperately would give my life  

for to have life with the DNA of J and me,

moving and living in me, nurtured by everything I consume.

I don't understand.

Some people can walk and breathe down the same hallway and conceive.

Why is it so difficult for us?

I am at a loss.

I hate this part.

I hate this feeling.

Lord show me what it is like to not weaken in my faith.

I honestly believe you can breathe life in my womb, I mean you did it for Sarah at a ripe old age.

My question is why is it so difficult?

I have been begging 

praying

fasting

seeking your face with my every being 

and still,

no life inside me.

I don't get it and I know you are telling me "I don't have to get it."

"Be Still" 

I hear You!

I don't like it!

I know you hear me because you answer me.

So, please hold every tear dear and

pour them out as blessings on my children one day.

That is all I ask.

Please don't let this sorrow and pain be in vain.

Please don't let the tears be in vain.

You have a plan.

A Purpose.

I am hurting.

You know that.

You know I don't like this process.

Show me how to

 "NOT WAVER through unbelief regarding the promise"
strengthened me in my faith

 Father today I give you Glory for

your unfailing plan and your desire for us to have

children to love and share Life with.

Father I praise you, that our children will be blessed

because of their divine appointment on this earth.

I praise you for the happiness they will bring You in praising Your name

in their very existence.

I praise you for the many smiles they will bring to your heart in

their innocent dance of life.

I praise You this day for the Hope we have in knowing

You are omnipotent, omnicient and

know and want the very best for us and our children.

- your daughter,

Jennifer

Abundance is... Life and it's very existance.