Well you just never know how the day will unfold. For example, yesterday I was in the grocery store minding my own business when on the front cover of Ebony is a beautiful baby bump. I know what your thinking...I do all that is with in me to pass by them and not even look at the sinful covers, but my eyes fell to that one yesterday. So I take a deep breath and think to myself, that is a great portrait pose, never thought of having the mom hold a boquet of flowers over her tummy. I have tried the wrapping the mom in flowy material and that turns out ok.
Let me go one step further to tell you I am not looking for these things they just jump out at me and grab hold of my heart strings and rip them. I am not looking for a pitty party either. I am quite frankly SICK of them. So I try to focus my mind on the outward and anything but myself. I contiuned home unloaded the groceries started dinner and sat down for a little tv and ended up watching Jepordy. Wouldn't you know the answer to one of the questions was {barren}? I just shook my head. Really Lord? Ok so maybe I should have turned to your Word instead of the tv. I get it! I let these things roll off my back until things like this happen and it becomes harder to shake.
I am sure some of you know {exactly} what I mean here...
The morning started great. Busy morning at work with lots to do and accomplish. I am minding my own business in my corner of the office and literally it is a corner. When a co-worker brings me her cell phone with a picture of her new nephew. Before I could get to look at it everyone else is taking a peak voicing "Awe he is cute!" I was happy for her and her sister. Knowing the story my heart breaks for the child who I see took his first breath yesterday and will probably never have a stable father in his life. I just continue to ooh and ahh my self. Just as another co-worker walkins in talking about how hearing her grandbaby's heart beat is so sureal knowing that her baby is having a baby...blah blah at this point I went numb. I felt trapped in my corner. I had to get out. So I exited the situation and headed out the back door. I don't know why but I felt like I had to wash my hands. So I did. It wasn't so much a tearful exit as I was guarded for fear of my heart ripping once more. I did not want to hear any of the words out of there mouths that would later echo in my mind to remind me of what I have not yet experienced, but desperately long for every day. I feel that my mind grabs on to things like that and then the enemy uses it to tear me down. In the proactive state that I found myself in I escaped.
Sometimes these situations are not as easily escapable as today. The one co-worker later called me to appologize for the situation and she realized what she had contributed to in hurting me and she said that she too wanted to guard me. The sincerity from her was welcomed. That is the third time someone has realized that they made themself a stumbling block and appologized. It is almost hard to take the appology sometimes. Does that make since. I have built the wall so thick that when someone tries to look through the window it is hard to accept that they are looking in with concern. Most look in and just walk on by without a word or concern that their sister is experiencing an unspeakable pain that penitrates very deep to the core of her.
The other two times was when I met a new friend for the first time and we were meeting due to the similarities in our walk with infertility and she felt she owed it to me to be honest and let me in on the fact she had found out 3 days before that the clomid worked and she was now pregnant. Ok so not as tough to swallow. The second time was when a friend realized she was talking about her pregnancy a little to much while spending her weekend with me and then gave me the sweetest card and sincere verbal appology. It was almost like these 3 ladies were helping me turn there stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
Steppping stones we can cross. With caution of course, but we can walk over them. Stumbling blocks on the other hand cause us to fall. Frankly I have way to many bruises to fall again.
It amazes me how self-centered people can be in their own situations. Even those who say they love you. Trust me I have questioned my own motives and actions for selfishness. I have prayed many hours over this. I do realize we do not understand each others walk to the fullest. My efforts are to put into perspective everything that person may be going through and see things through their thoughts and eyes. I am sure this doesn't measure up to the true perspective, but I give it a shot. While removing myself from the situation and looking at it from the inside out instead of the outside in. You know as if I was the one on the other side of the window.
Self-less-ness. It isn't something our culture teaches us so it isn't easy and truly takes the a huge effort.
I practice this everyday with the patients I take care of who have gone through open heart surgeries and are now no longer at free will to do as they please. I see the independence stollen from them and it is saddening. I say all of this to hopefully help your eyes to be opened to the situations you walk into and blindly throw a stone instead of helping the person lay the stones down to walk over their river. Trust me the last thing they need is their independence taken away because you threw a heavy stone on them.
You have heard the phrase "One step at a time"? That is how I see it. When we are walking through trials we have to take it one step at a time. He is the lamp unto our feet and light unto our path. Not the "beam shining brightly ahead of us". I sometimes fear the path being to long for me to handle don't you? Although I scream and kick asking Him to show me what's at the end of the long dark tunnel. I plead to know if there is a dead end or is there light? He of course tells me to "just trust" Him. With a sigh I realized that is the only hopefull choice I have and put on my high heels and maturity make up to take a step forward. He knows if I knew what was at the end of the tunnel that I wouldn't fully trust Him to get there. I would run over the stepping stones and probably stumble getting there and that would hurt His heart. Just as a father wants to see his young cross the river safely, so does our hevenly Father.
Maybe this has opened your eyes to the stubling blocks you have thrown. Asking God to forgive you is the easy part, because that was taken care of on Calvary. Asking the person you threw it on takes a swallowing of pride and admittance you were in the wrong and the bravery to approach the person with the appology. You honestly owe it to yourself to follow through with those actions. It is uplifting and freeing to know you have helped move the stone off the person you threw it on and give them the tube to the "Balm of Gilead" so that they may place it on the wound caused by the stone. The healing process is sweet and is more obtainable with people there to nurse you back to health. To tell you they are there praying and holding you up from the wounds experienced in the battle gives them hope.
In the end, you help yourself by helping them. So let go of yourself in the situation and treat your "brother as yourself" get the stone off of them and empower them to have the strength to even lift their hand to begin coating the healing balm over the wound. Believe me they need your help. They need to hear your prayers. The healing process takes time, but with loved ones around us we accelerate the process. Kind of like a neonate in the isolete. He needs to feel the touch of another human to begin healing and growning properly. Same with all of us. Makes since right?
So ask God to show you if you have been a stumbling block to someone recently. He will gently show you and guide you on how to help the person you have hurt begin to heal. Start with a hand written card or email. Make sure to be consious of the "I's" and "me's" that you put in it. I promise it will make you think about what you write from now on. I know I have.
I encourage you to
visit this site to learn more on the balm of Gilead. It is eye opening!
Genesis 50:20
(New International Version)
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
EWO,
Jennifer
Abundance is... resources like acupunture to relax and prepare my body, long bubble baths, Beth Moore's SLI prayer, releasing the insecurity and fear of {never being a mom}. I {WILL} one day experience baby kicks in my tummy, ultrasounds with heart beats, anticipation of the unknown through labor, first cry, first Mother's Day, first smiles, first birthdays, first sleepover, first hair cut, first tooth, being the tooth fairy, first boo boo to kiss and make better, little arms wrapped around me saying, "I wove oo mommy", a little life to teach the world to. A baby book to record and scrapbook all of the precious memories of {life}. To show him/her how BIG our God's love is and how precious his/her life is because of God's timing of him/her on Earth! {Hope}, that this deepest desire will come to true!
