Hopeful...Calm...Anticipation...

{6:45}Today is IUI 101. It has been a calm day. The sun has been slow to wake this morning and the dew is everywhere, including the car. You know, the kind that only the sun can dry up. I have to head down to REACH for a final lab draw and then wait.......
  {7:30} I pranced into the lab on the 3rd floor with my little Bijuju bag with my package of goods wrapped in the red tissue paper that my new necklace was once nestled in 4 days ago. I know they mentioned something about brown paper bags, but I only by zip lock and last time I checked brown bags don't zip!  So I thought it a little humorous of my girly bag of manly goods. Oh geeze I never pictured it this way for sure. J would have just shook his head at me, thank goodness he didn't ask the mode of transportation. The cute thing is on the inside of the bag it says "Be Bold" "Be Beautiful".  I thought to myself, "Be bold and courageous!", like the verse quotes.
  Just a little luck with the lab draw this morning... my veins were stingy and blew in the middle of the draw and the other arm has a bruise the size of Texas. Not sure what happened, but I tried to drink a lot of water before I came, but she said they had enough to run the labs with what they pulled from me. {Whew} that was a relief. I truly can't believe how many times I have gotten labs done in the past 7 days. My arms look awful and I don't care about the pain, truly anything for a baby.   The sweet lab lady shared her journey with me and said she will be going through her first IUI this month too. She took my license and told me that purple was my color to look for today. She wrote my {married} last name on every one of the strips and placed them on the {goods}.  She was so calm and quite at times I could barely hear what she was saying to me. She said that she always tries to maintain privacy and with an open lab sometimes it is hard.
 {8:30} and I am back at home. J was snuggled in by our two doozles and so I decided what the heck? A few more hours of Z's won't hurt. So I set the alarm for 9:45 and out I went with my hot pink eye mask with closed black eye lashes on the satin exterior. I am such a girlie girl!
It's {10:02} and we are getting ready to head down to the clinic to meet Dr. K. {Dr. T is  out of town} The only thing weighing on my mind is the {unknown}. What will this feel like? Will I have to take more hormones for the next two weeks? Lord please make the next 2 weeks go as fast as the past 2. Other than that not much bouncing around in my mind, which is good.
 {10:25} On our way to REACH I opened my prayers and promises book and was reminded of a quote that I wrote on the first page, "Look at the test as if God is preparing to use me. It's all about my attitude during this wilderness." I just soaked myself in the scriptures and prayers for conception and the peace just flowed off of the pages. The traffic however was not so peaceful neither were things back at work for J. He was stressed when we finally got there he couldn't really think of what road would be the best to take and so I was pointing and saying commands like "left" and "straight".  He was on the "crack berry" as I call it for the majority of the ride due to work issues. {sigh} Life...  it just swarms around you no matter what.
 
  {10:45}  Waiting...I am getting pretty good at it, patience, that is.  As J & I sit in the waiting room I noticed a girl ,who looked to be no older than 19, with a beautiful silk pale yellow and pink wrap around her head gracing her left shoulder. The color of her skin told me she was going through chemo and the beginning loss of eye brows was a tale sign of how my chemo babies looked when I worked at the children's hospital. I took a deep breath and I noticed she was alone and fine with that while reading a magazine and holding her "injections" next to her and the designer purse she had tucked beside her. My thoughts wondered to how would I feel if I were having to harvest my eggs in hopes that the doctors would harvest them correctly so that I may one day have the hope of having children? Deep breath. My journey is nothing like hers, although both long and hard roads that neither would choose, but still very different. She is going through this on her own. No one there to hold her hand or lay her head on their shoulder. What a strong women she is, but so young and frail. My mind wondered to talking with my Father about her. I asked him to keep her and her future off spring. I asked him to give her the desires of her heart and to uphold her with His right hand today and everyday she walks this unimaginable journey. Oh how the perspective of my journey was tamed in my mind just by seeing a glimpse of hers.
   {11:40} Met Dr. K for the first time. Nice quiet guy. I am just glad Alice {Dr. T's} nurse was there for someone familiar other than of course J. Alice had me to sign off on the goods that I had earlier checked in with my drivers license and signature and told purple was my color of the day.  So as my eyes danced around the paper I saw both J and I's date of birth and the purple sticker and decided to sign.  The IUI went smooth. No pain, just a little crampy, which is what I expected. What I didn't expect was the tears that started to flow when J reached for my hand when Dr. K started. I couldn't stop the flow. My mind was peaceful but full of excitement, disappointment, hope, exhaustion, all mixed up and flowing out in my tears. I just never dreamed it would take 4 people for me to conceive life, actually 8 {the other 2 MDs, 2 lab techs, Dr. K and Alice}. There is just something about the reality that hit me in the chest at that moment.  I always dreamed of a surprise positive pregnancy test after a vacation or forgetting what week of the month I was on to then figure out that Aunt Flow was late. I just never dreamed it would come to this. But on the flip side to know that God could choose to remember me today and speak life into my womb is overwhelming. Dr. K asked "Are you in pain?". Trying to get the word "No" out was hard. J said, "well hon, it's kinda confusing."  I replied through the tears, "I know". Dr. K helped me out and pulled the hormone card by saying, "well, we have pumped you full of hormones and that can bring on the tears." All of this from start to tear to finish was about 5 min. They left us in the room for about 15 min with the instructions to "stay put" for about 10 min.  Then Alice came back in the room with my instructions to do nothing but normal activity and wait. 
  {12:30}  J and I left the clinic and headed out to drop him off at work. We grabbed Subway an then rushed down to the 1st floor of the mall to the office to "break bread" over a desk in the store. The store was not busy at all, so we just sat there and had lunch over a desk, pretty romantic huh?  Not much was said other than he felt bad that they left off the bacon on my Subway Melt. {Shrug}, I really didn't care. Just wanted to go home and veg out on the couch, which I didn't do.

It's hot.

I'm calm.

We're waiting once again.

Jen

Abundance is...  wonderful insurance coverage for my RE visits and treatments {I actually had a credit when we left today after the IUI},  Blessing of a car to take us to the appointments {that was paid off in the year that J did not have a job},  peace that surpasses all understanding from an omnipotent God, the day off, visiting my brother-in-law and watching his renovations from a front row seat in the front yard.  An incredible husband who pulled major strings with an unfriendly boss to get off work for a few hours to be with me. He is my oak during this storm.